Interview In his book “I have a band therefore I am”, the influencer journalist Sainte Paluche does his “introspection of a male conditioned by patriarchy”, to learn to deconstruct the patterns of toxic masculinity -purpose-of-sexenbsp-according-to-sainte-paluche-dcb03c5.jpg” alt=”Toxic masculinity: “Penetration should not be the purpose of sex”, according to Sainte Paluche” />
For Sainte Paluche, there is an urgent need to deconstruct the myth of phalloccentric sexuality. — StockSnap/Pixabay
- After launching his Instagram page, Mr. Sainte Paluche signs the book I have a band therefore I am, which questions the relationship to sexuality of conditioned men by patriarchy.
- Patterns of toxic masculinity that affect sexuality, but also many other aspects of everyday life.
- And whose deconstruction opens the way to fulfillment.
If he had to define himself in a few words, he would pose as “anthropologist of the ass”. Journalist director, on Instagram, he is Sainte Paluche, and feeds his page with testimonials and articles on everything related to sex, from masturbation to sex plans. three through prostatic pleasure, mental load, porn or sex during menstruation.
An anthropological work that Sainte Paluche wanted to deepen in I have a hard-on therefore I am*, a work in which he intends to deconstruct the relationship to conditioned sex; by the patriarchy, tackling the virility toxic and delivering “the keys to a healthy sexuality” fulfilled, benevolent and less phallocentric”.
“I'm hard therefore I am,” the title of your book speaks for itself. For you, the majority men define themselves with their whole being by a masculinity; and sexuality manly ?
Yes. In any case, this is the scheme in which the majority men are built, so I wanted to talk about sexuality. masculine, of how the cult of performance, virility; toxic substance and the gaze of other men influence their being, their daily reactions and their sex life. Many people say that men think with their penis, and for many, it’s true!
Many men are driven, even dominated by the cult of performance, obsessed with the size of their penis, their endurance during sex, the number of partners during their sexual life, but it goes much further. The cult of performance is also their relationship with other men, the way in which they apprehend their virility; compared to them. A form of pressure that will be expressed beyond of the sexual sphere. If the women, among themselves, often speak quite freely about their sexuality, the guys will never confide in them. their friends on a complex about the size of their penis or their suffering from being a premature ejaculator.
And in his quest for performance, when a man sleeps with his partner, in reality he sleeps with him: “I get hard, I penetrate, I cum,” and clap end. He’s not into sharing, because he’s too busy. to self-evaluate, to make sex like a rabbit, àgrave; think only of him. As he has seen in the thousands of porn movies he has watched all his life. Porn I've Been To a compulsive consumer, and that I hate today.
Porn that formats from adolescence to adolescence. a sexuality phallocentric…
We can never talk enough about the ravages of porn: most kids discover çat very young, at a very young age. 12 years, in the greatest secrecy and with boiling hormones. They open a door to an unreal world where all the actors are hung like ponies, and where; everything goes through man and for man. In ultra-patriarchal mainstream porn, the woman is at the service of the pleasure of her ultra-virile partner.
On the other side of the screen, teenagers are “educated” to sexuality in the idea that the woman is there; to give pleasure to; man, that she can only take pleasure in through him. This gives rise to; men who masturbate like robots in front of increasingly trashy videos, and who build a sexuality for themselves; virilist who leaves little room for imagination and sharing, who find cunnilingus and sex during menstruation dirty. And who, in the end, live a sexuality; quite boring and toxic, except for both for their partner and for themselves.
I was able to realize this a few years ago, by testing the No-Fap challenge, which consists of a given time. to stop porn and masturbation, and has a vocation to get out of porn addiction. I lasted two weeks and started again. to masturbating, but without porn, just “”””” thought.” Not only was it fabulous, but I realized the destructive force of porn, and how çit had permeated my life. my report to; sexuality, and makes me a poor lover.
After awareness, how to practice deconstructing these patterns of masculinity; toxic and sexuality phallocentric?
At first, I was disgusted, felt stupid and ruminated a lot. Then I started a reflection, read, spoken, and listened to; my partners. If you don't know how to go about it, all you have to do is ask. “ Caress me more like ça. Linger here instead.” Dialogue works wonders.
One day, after being “finished” my cost, my partner at the time, very caring, said “you don’t want to go on and take care of me? Because I haven't finished.” For a lot of guys, there's the foreplay and the finality. of the sexual act, it’s penetration, which finally comes to disconnect it from the rest and from each other. I remember being shocked but in the end, a new world opened up. From there, I practiced a lot. non-penetrative sex, observed the reactions, explored; all sources of pleasure, to reduce myself to sexuality, and finding mutual fulfilment.
Penetration should not be the end, and by “disconnecting” our penis, testing everything else – tenderness, oral sex, prostate pleasure — we’re open to; something else, we reprogram our software to get out of sexuality; heteronormed.
You also insist on your will. to bring down an entire phallocentric patriarchal system; and heteronormative. What other aspects of this system affect sexuality? and that, in your opinion, it is necessary to succeed in deconstruct?
My book is addressed to; everyone, but it’s still initially a tool to destination for guys shaped by patriarchy and porn. So if a phallocentric guy undertakes this journey, “learns” to give pleasure to; his partner is good.
But this is only the beginning: he must also learn to investing in other things, including taking on your share of the mental load, realizing that it's natural to take care of the house, the kids and the errands. It’s this whole journey that will make him a better person, more open-minded, more knowledgeable. listening, more tolerant and benevolent, and in bed, the virtuous circle will continue. It’s by becoming generous, feminist and attentive to the other that he will love and in the end, love himself.
But that means being ready to to confront his beliefs. It can be difficult, but in the end, breaking free from this patriarchal straitjacket allows you to gain confidence, to open up and to dare to experiment with new practices, up to BDSM or prostate pleasure, without worrying more. worry about the idea that it would put their manhood back. in question. It’s very liberating.
Finally, all these mechanisms also and above all reflect a great lack of sexual education, right?
Of course! Sex has been made shameful and unhealthy when it’s natural. Instead of ça, if parents or teachers at school taught us when we were teenagers that we are equal, that we must respect the other and their consent, that all bodies are beautiful. That no, and this means no, that a girl does not want to be accosted when she walks alone in the street at night. And yes, boys – and girls — can masturbate and watch porn, but don’t overdo it and its not the reality, it would change everything! Even in the mental or contraceptive load.
* « I strip therefore I am. Introspection of a conditioned male par le patriarchate », by Monsieur Sainte Paluche, illustrated; by Marie Casaÿs, Editions Kiwi, in bookstores since November 10, 19 euros.